Whether we call it so or not, it would seem that women are designed to meet the needs of others: our partners/mates/spouses; our parents and our children; our friends, colleagues, clients, neighbors… come to think of it, we find just about anyone but ourselves near the top of the list. And languishing near the bottom, maybe… maybe!… we find time for ourselves in the left-overs of our lives. We don’t talk about this. We go about our business appearing to be independent and self-determined when, in truth, we are anything but. This is not about any individual woman – this is about what has molded and shaped us all.
I just finished posting on my Emerging Futures blog, having pondered and digested a recent experience that left me feeling like I’d been punched in the gut. It was not the exchange between myself and this wonderful woman, it was the sour after-taste that left me uneasy and wondering what it was that simply would not just go away. Thanks to this conversation with this brave soul, I was able to really notice the degree to which we fall so easily into the habit of knowing that there’s something wrong with us; that we’re less than/not up to it/deficient in some way when we are faced with the challenge of staying true to ourselves in a collective of ‘others’ that we deem ourselves to be responsible for. This invisible, insidious, ghostly ’self’ seems to wrap around who we know we really are and won’t let us out! We can see where we want to go, who we want to be and how we want to move through our world… out there, just beyond reach… and yet it is as if we’re trapped in a shroud of our own cultural impositions that just will not let us go.
It reminds me of those times when I’ve watched a tv show where a spider catches its prey. Rolled and wrapped in this sticky, gooey fiber, the (usually) insect struggles for its life, its own resistance serving only to tighten the hold of the sticky-stuff of death. My guess is that the insect knows that it’s trapped in something outside itself. I’m not so sure that as women, we know any such thing. We just think it’s us – that there is something wrong with the way I am moving or not moving; speaking or not speaking; struggling or surrendering. The women that I’ve worked with often have no sense that the gooey, sticky harbinger of their own demise is nothing other than the ‘truths’ they’ve been told to live by.
How can it be that our own ‘truth’ will kill us? Perhaps it begins by noticing that this truth is not one of our own discovery, it is one that has been passed down, embedded and reinforced with significant consequences. Were we to actually allow ourselves to live by the truth of our own experience, we would recognize it for what it is – and move on.
Radio, books, tv, cd’s, programs, coaching, etc…. are full of people seeking desperately to free themselves…. of something!; seeking desperately to find their way back… to something! I’ve been in this ‘dance’ for more than 30 years and have seen wave after wave come and go – and here we sit, still seeking. Perhaps we need to look elsewhere for our own salvation. We’re long overdue to have our eyes adjust to the dim light so that we can see what is, in fact, tethering us to our own limitations. With a willingness to see, and with the potential to look through new eyes, we can begin to focus on the things that have always been just out of our awareness; just beyond our willingness to acknowledge, given our deeply entrenched and acquired skill of holding the party line; and finally allow ourselves to see what we see, hear what we hear and know what we know. In that instant, we are no longer the same.
It’s not you – it’s what you’ve been trained to think/believe/trust/hold as real and true. Maybe none of it is – and maybe those are the ties that bind. In this instance, ‘truth’ is indeed, what will keep you bound to and at the mercy of your own history. Trying to create your future from your past is the recipe for a devastatingly disappointing life!
March 25th, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Insights |
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I found those words coming out of my mouth during the Leadership Redefined – Reclaimed retreat. We were talking about what it is to be women and to stop care-taking; to stop putting everyone else ahead of ourselves; to stop holding back, holding on and holding in the things that are pressing up against us to revealed.
We were talking about our willingness to allow ourselves to do less, be less and experience less if the ‘more’ that we seek would challenge our relationships with our lovers, sons and daughters; with our friends who have long ‘known’ us to be needy and small; with our colleagues and clients who have come to expect from us all that we have been willing to give… even when we have long tired of it all.
“There is life after truth.” The people we love and who love us back are up to it. They can take it! They can hear what is true for us and still remain standing. They can listen to who we have become and let go of who they think we are, given what they believe we have been. They can change their way of talking with us, listening to us and loving us if we give them the chance to be as magnificent as they really are!
But we’ll never know any of that if we keep lying… keep holding back and holding in and pressing down. They’ll never know us and we’ll never really know them beyond the limitations of our own unchallenged habits of thought. In that world, we grow old and tired; we become bored and boring; and we lose interest in life, itself. It’s tough to pretend at living when living demands that we allow pretense to fall away.
We can’t give what we haven’t got. If we don’t give ourselves a chance to grow… if we don’t trust and allow ourselves to change and become… we’ll never have what is required to give that to anyone else. And in that moment – in that breath – we will have become the tie that binds them to who they have been.
“There is life after truth.” Trust yourself. Trust them. They can handle it – and so can you.
March 20th, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Insights, leadership |
one comment
I’ve been ‘out of the loop’ for a while… spending most if not all of my time working on creating the Leadership Redefined – Reclaimed 10-disc CD series. It’s done – and I must say, I’m stunned by its impact.
The material was recorded in October of 2007 when women gathered in a small group, talking… about leadership. Not your usual, run-of-the-mill, standard conversation about leadership but one that was directed at redefining leadership before we could even consider reclaiming it. I know I was there because I hear my own voice on the recordings but what a strange experience to not know what was said!
As I listened over and over again to the material, I was amazed to hear my voice say things that I have no memory of talking about. It was as if I were hearing it all for the first time! And yet, without a doubt, I know that’s me.
I was also surprised by the raw, edgy and powerful content that was captured. I listened and felt moved, motivated and inspired by the courageous, compelling, provocative and intimate conversations that were unfolding. Each of the women present gave it her all, willing to show up and step into her life, whatever it took. The end result: outstanding! A riveting and ground-breaking exploration of leadership that touches on our humanity, our vulnerability and our willingness to embrace it all. In our authenticity, we are unstoppable.
After more than 50 hours of editing, and the corresponding reduction in sleep, I found myself at yet another small group of women, gathering… one of Entrepreneurial Women in Powerful Conversations (begun by Sheila Winter Wallace ). As I listened, I could feel the pressure building in my body to engage! The last few times, I had enjoyed the luxury of sitting quietly and listening to discover who these women were. This time, I knew that if I did not share what I had discovered, my head would blow off. Well…close… For sure, I know that intensity was the name of that game!
I could see it in evidence in three of the women present… that roiling, surging flow of power just behind the eyes. It is the kind of thing that you and I have been taught to hide; have been convinced that it is not to our advantage to reclaim; and have resigned ourselves to believe that if we are to continue to have a life as we know it, we best continue to pretend that it’s not there. But here’s the problem: when someone is looking for it, they can see it. When someone is intent on not knowing, they glance past it as if it is invisible. And there it was – potent and visible.
I shared with those there some of what I had learned from listening to those leadership cd’s. I was mindful of how clear it is to me that for me, it is about acceleration of human evolution; and that women are the key! Women have a capacity for intensity and flow that is part of our essential biological make-up. When we take it back, we cannot be taken back.
I was also very mindful of profanity; of how some people are stunned or shocked by the use of ‘inappropriate’ language. And yet it occurred to me that there are few things more profane than a woman saying ‘NO!’; or a woman declaring instead of asking or negotiating; or a woman taking what she wants without permission or ‘due’ consideration to the needs of others; or a woman carving out her life in a way that brings her joy, regardless of the expectations of others; or a woman putting herself first. The profanities of men are in the language; the profanities of women are in their unwillingness to be still. Funny, that…
And finally, I became very mindful of the company I keep – and encourage you to be mindful of yours. I’ve grown very picky about who I spend my time with and what I do with it. I choose to be in the company of women who are choosing to stand for themselves. I am unwilling to wait while others stand on the sidelines, exploring ad nauseum their desire to engage. I am unwilling to spend my life pondering and considering when I can be engaging and discovering! I am no longer willing to slow myself down because some others feel I am moving too fast. And beyond that, I apologize for none of it.
What are you waiting for? Whose permission are you waiting for so that you can live your life differently… more fully… more awakened. How are you holding yourself back and looking to make someone else the cause of your misery? Who do you spend your time with – and what does it allow you to create in your life? Who is the leader that you are in your own life?
Women gathering in small groups, talking… about themselves, their lives and their world can no longer escape the ‘leadership’ conversation. I am either a part of keeping the cultural coma in tact, or I am instrumental in its demise. There is no middle ground on which to stand.And so it goes – leadership happens when we are true to ourselves and are willing to engage. The rest is an interesting conversation that often doesn’t go anywhere.
Breathing is good….
March 18th, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Insights, leadership |
one comment
Marie just checked in on her blog about her experience at the Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women experience. Wow! She’s down 20 pounds… and so much more! I, for one, am looking forward to the months to come as she blogs of her discoveries from this small group of women gathering, talking… and changing their worlds!
You don’t have to do it alone.
March 3rd, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Events, Groups, Insights, Outcomes |
no comments
I’ve already declared that I believe what women need is other women – not to tell them what to do but to be there each woman gives herself permission to become the immense presence that she is and have it revealed in her speech, her behaviours and, ultimately, her choices.
My experience of the Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women gathering at Oceanstone was my best, yet. 
And here’s the amazing part: I know there’s more! As I move through the process of editing the Emerging Futures: Leadership Redefined – Reclaimed for the CD package, I listen with great interest and enthusiasm to the unfolding conversation and am moved, provoked and compelled to redefine myself in my world… and I was there! 
Two of the women who were in the last Emerging Futures retreat have blogged about their experience. If you choose to read, allow yourself to notice the role of the other women who were there, and how their presence had an impact. This really is about women rediscovering themselves, in the presence of that truth as other women do the same. New contexts for exploration for, of and by women.
Check out what Lucy and Amy about their experience. But more than that, let yourself notice who they’ve become as you read their words before and after that experience. These amazing women have found something in themselves that has always been there, just waiting to be noticed.
Women gathering in small groups, talking… help us notice that we are so much more than we’ve been taught to believe we are!
March 3rd, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Events, Groups, Insights |
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I wonder, sometimes, what women need in order for them to be able to trust themselves; to give themselves permission to step out of the roles and habits of thought and behaviour and feel/say/express something that is uncertain or unfamiliar – particularly to those around them. I’ve concluded that what women need is other women.
Years of my life have been spent working with women and men. I’ve been in small and large group experiences where women and men engaged in a program experience, together. I’ve witnessed who women become when men are present, and who they become when there are no men. I’ve watched women lose themselves in their caretaking and willingness to move to the back of the line so that a man or men can get their needs met. I’ve watched women surrender their space, their time, their place and their voice in deference to the need of a man in the room. Unrequested, unrequired and unexpected, they nonetheless mindlessly capitulate to some unspoken, unseen demand for them to take one step back and wait.
I’ve noticed that women in the company of other women are more willing to show up for who they are; spend less time posturing and working at ‘getting the lay of the land’. I’ve noticed that when one woman finds her courage, the women around her awaken to that vibration within themselves. Women in the company of other women seem to find something in that collective that eludes them when they’re alone or with men.
Women in the company of other women are willing to say out loud what they have often held secret within themselves for a lifetime! Slowly, the veils fall away and each begins to notice that she can trust herself; that her internal cues are not broken or deficient or defective and she can rely on what moves inside her: her instincts, her intuition, her ’sense’ of what is true or untrue, what is real and what is illusion. When one woman finds this within herself, she becomes willing and able to see it in the others.
Women gathering in small groups, talking… is a very different experience when these women are awake and present to themselves. Their tolerance for the tribal chants of victim and helplessness diminishes significantly – in themselves and in others. No small wonder that women gathering in small groups, talking… is a force that changes our world.
During the Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women four-day at Oceanstone, a small group of women gathered and discovered. Lives changed and the waves moved out from there and made their way to the shores of their personal lives. You can read what they had to say about their exerience in their personal blogs. They include Amy, Marie and Lucy.
I know there will be more.
March 1st, 2008
Posted by
Louise |
Events, Insights |
one comment
