The Magnificence of My ‘Imperfection’
I am so present to those many, many moments in my life when I take a breath… exhale… and remind myself of the magnificence of my ‘imperfection’. For one whose life was driven for the first 30 years by being all that I thought others wanted me to be or would value….no, not true enough… would cherish me for being, I know well the dark despair that would press hard against my belly and chest and lock me into my tiny world. It seemed – and was, then – intelligent for me to hide myself away.
In those suffocating moments, I ‘knew’ that my life held no meaning to me/for me if it did not serve another. I ‘knew’ that being in service through intellect, will and skill were what made me welcome in the lives of others; what made me worthwhile and deserving of living, even in the puniest of ways. In those moments/days/weeks when I could not find it in myself to serve others, I could not be found by anyone else. I was buried so deep in my own self-loathing, my senses had shut down to all but my own small, frantic and repetitive inner voice of anguishing exhaustion, resentment and grief.
Long ago, my life changed – not in that there are no longer any such moments but in that I now hold those moments so differently. The magnificence of my ‘imperfections’ IS my call to awaken more deeply, in the truth of my Self. Without them, I stay lost in an external world that will only deplete me because I allow it to be so. With them, I discover a new world that sources and nourishes and sustains me – because I allow it to be so.
Over the years, it is not that these moments of ‘imperfection’ do not come, it is that (like you) I notice them more quickly, more easily and more lovingly and allow myself to move into them in full view of my world, rather than hide myself away until they release me from their death-grip. I have come to ‘know’ – without hesitation and without doubt – that my ‘imperfections’ ARE the gateways; and that without them, I am sentenced to a life without growth, without discovery and without the immense delight of always meeting the ‘more’ that is my destiny as a Quantum Biological Being!
I have discovered that as much as others can become ‘more’ with me in their lives, they are just fine without me. The question is: am I fine without me? Inevitably and mercilessly, the answers is always a resounding NO!
Choosing to live is choosing to recognize that I create it all – including my ‘imperfection’ of the moment that I might have guideposts…. markers on the treasure map of my own evolution… to embrace with fear, uncertainty and inner turmoil – but embrace, nonetheless. In that, greatness is born.
When women gather in small groups, talking… we do so in full recognition that WE ARE ALL OF IT! We are the grace and the elegance that invites and allows! We are the relentless and full force that presses – hard! – against the edges of our own limitations! We are the fierce roar of our own unwillingness to ever lose ourselves again! We are the open embrace that welcomes us – Self and other – home! And in combination of all of these, we are indeed the most powerful force to shape culture that has ever been known.
I, for one, am unwilling ever again in this lifetime to forget who I AM.
In this moment, I encourage you…
Remember who you are!
