Getting past despair
We give up on ourselves so easily. We’re bopping along, having moments of great freedom where we notice that the intellect has not been in charge - and we’re still alive! – and then we hit the wall.
The wall of rage and self-loathing and despair. All that great work… all those moments of great genius seem to just drift out of our lives, like so much smoke on a stiff breeze… and we’re left with nothing but the truth of who we are.
Truth is a tricky thing. Is it the truth that was or the one that we want it to be? Is it my truth or a truth that is my legacy from a time long past? Is this a truth that I am choosing to embrace or one that seems stuck to me like gum on the sole of my shoe? Is it a truth that when embraced, will allow me to become more… or one that will snap tight the padlock on the chest of my own potential? Truth is not as simple as it might appear, at first glance.
And then there is the truth that I carry that is about punishment… getting even… profoundly committed to my own destruction of Self in a physical world to press the point that the much younger me still has not gratified. This is one of the more potent and powerful truths as it comes with the reckless abandon that only a child can fully embrace… being willing to do whatever it takes to ‘prove’ a point – even if it kills me in the process.
Getting past this dark, seething, foaming mass of rage, terror and the deep desire to be lovable and loved, can only come from one place: the moment of choosing to be more than my history… more than my ‘issues’… more than what my experience has dictated for so many years. In that one moment – the moment of standing at the dotted line of the Quantum Biological Human™ and choosing to engage myself as that Quatum Biological Human – the potential for greatness awakens and reaches out to pull me into my own life. It really is that easy.
Greatness is a choice. Greatness of heart and soul and spirit. Greatness of courage and curiosity; of willingness and ability. Greatness stands in our choice of living fully rather than in our habit of waiting to be fixed or rescued. Greatness lives in the next breath that we take and the choice that comes with it.
Can we stand it? Can we stand the boundless nature of our lives when we live them without fear and rage and self-loathing? Can we get past the terror of knowing that our lives are up to us… that we’re ‘IT” and that we shape our experience as we go, moment to moment, choice to choice? Can we let go of that long-ago, deeply entrenched desire/need to have someone else take care of it…take care of us… even when we know the price tag is so high?
The only truth that we can trust completely and without exception is that the body never lies. When we’re willing to listen, the path is laid out and we are nudged forward, into what can be.
Louise, this blog is speaking to my “truth”… I am sitting here, and calm. Not calm because I was “culturally conditioned” in my “large” family to be calm – calm, because I choose, and since many of the “issues, beliefs that don’t serve me anymore, etc” are dissolved, (oh there is always more)… Yet that allows me to stand right here now, and look out into my many possibilities/potential emerging future. Yes, it did take me all my life to get to this “space”. This past year, I am “grateful” how quickly I got my life back and it is fuller then ever…One thing I am very clear on is that it only matters the “hit in the body,first” – my intellect, like many of us, was always wanting to get in the way. That is how my life was getting “smaller”. One truth I know for sure, the body never lies. Period.
Comment by
marie smith | September 27, 2008